Dear Prophets of Doom…

ABC775D0-040F-49EB-B67F-9F2ABEAE7FBBRepent, for the End is nigh!

It’s the end of the world as we know it!

We’re all doomed! DOOMED, I say!

Why the hell can’t the disaster-predictors ever get it right? I’m sitting here on April 23rd, typing this post on the patio of a local coffee shop while soaking in the warmth of the sun and savoring the last of my parmesan & spinach bagel.  Soooo…wasn’t the damned world supposed to end today? Again?

Look, if at least one of these stupid prophecies isn’t right fairly soon, I’m gonna have to start paying bills again, and no one wants that!

Let’s check the recent record, just for shits & giggles:

Today’s “expected” apocalypse – fail1447AA18-52F8-4A96-A6A9-3270935A3937

Last year’s Nibiru extinction – fail

2014’s blood moon – fail

2013’s “Rasputin storm” – fail

2012’s big Mayan doomsday – epic fail

And let’s not even start on Y2K…

C’mon, prophet-guys, it’s like you’re not even trying! Can’t I have at least a good asteroid strike? Or an LA mega-quake? Or the Yellowstone supervolcano? You gotta give me something!



How is a guy supposed to throw off all responsibility and care if you keep getting it wrong?!

Crap, I write sci-fi and fantasy — what if all the prophets and doomsayers in my stories were this freaking wrong all the time? Can’t you just picture GoT if it were that way? “Yes, Lord Stark, the prophecy says you should become the Hand of the King, and that you will die peacefully at home in your bed…”

356CFC36-4B98-445C-9C0C-CE45CC163946Okay, fine…I’ll give you folks one more try. But — and I mean it, this time! — if you’re wrong again, I’m going back to Miss Cleo for advice and life-coaching…

Relax, Folks

I admit it: I’m a simple man, amused by simple things.  Beyond the Simpsons and Mel Brooks and Monty Python, I get a huge kick out of conspiracy theories…and especially out of the folks who obsess about them.

Right now, easily the most entertainment is coming from “flat earthers”.  For whatever reason — and I have zero idea why — this particular conspiracy theory has bubbled to the top in terms of media mentions and attention.  It’s that bubbling to the top that has made it fun, however!

The stories and Youtube videos about these folks — both for and against — are entertaining enough…but then you get to the comments.  Oh, the comments…  My God, are those comments pure gold!  Heck, they’re more entertaining than the dang stories/videos themselves.

orgin_of_secret_societies-invertNow, as much fun as I have with the believers of that theory, it is those who are obsessed with attacking them that provide some of the funniest moments.  Don’t get me wrong, the whole “flat earth” thing is loony as hell…but it’s no loonier than the Freemasons being a nefarious, centuries old plot to dominate the world (as opposed to a bunch of old guys who like funky handshakes and hanging out for drinks a couple of nights a week…). It’s certainly no loonier than the “aliens among us”, or the Illuminati, or the Rosicrucians, or the…ah, hell, go ahead and pick your own!

But, for some reason, the flat earthers just seem to get some opponents going.  A number of folks take the whole thing personally, get well and truly angry and upset about it.  Hell, to a number, it represents not a loony, very small-time conspiracy theory, but is instead a symbol of the complete breakdown of modern society.

Oh, please.

The flat-earthers no more represent the end of civilization and the triumph of ignorance than a pair of 80-year-olds exchanging secret handshakes represent a secret cabal controlling the fate of humanity.

Honestly, I think the people who get so wound up and obsessed with “debunking” the looniness are the reason it even exists in the first place!  Oh, I’m sure there are folks out there who really believe the Earth is flat*…all of about five of them.  No, most of the “flat earthers” aren’t believers, I’d say; it’s far more likely that they’re out there just absolutely trolling the shit out of the angry folks.

discworld_main*I think Terry Pratchett had it about right with Discworld: It’s flat!  And on the backs of four elephants!  Who are standing on top of a turtle!

Think about it: you post a video, or a link…you make a few comments…and touch off a firestorm of people working themselves into a frenzy and a fury.  You then grab a beer, sit back, and laugh your ass off watching people twist themselves into knots linking your “flat earth” crap to every problem they see in the world: the left will say it shows how the right have destroyed education!  The right will say that, no, it shows how the left has destroyed the family and the last vestiges of morality!  It’s inbred rednecks! No, it’s college snowflakes!  It’s Americans!  No, it’s Canadians!

I’ve never posted a link or story or video on the whole “flat earth” thing…but, my God have I enjoyed the show that follows!

Really, folks, is the whole thing worth getting upset about?  Just how empty does a person’s life have to be to get upset about someone else beliefs?  Just how vituperative and politically narcissistic do you have to be to turn a cheesy conspiracy theory into anything more than a laugh?

Great, now I’m getting myself back into a “conspiracy-theory-mood”. Hell, maybe someday I’ll actually finish that satire I’ve had kicking around the back of my mind for the last couple of decades!