The Black Dog Comes

You live with it long enough, you start to feel it coming.

It starts with impatience, with an inability to be understanding…or to give a shit.  Empathy goes out the window when that dog begins to howl.

After the irritation comes the desire to get away.  Not the “head off to the Caribbean for some sun and sand” type of get away, but the “fuck everyone — I hate humans, and I don’t want to see a single damned person” type of get away.

Everything gets to you.

Drop the bread for your sandwich?  Freak out about it and get pissed.

Get stuck behind an RV doing its best to accelerate up a hill?  Decide it is the world out to screw you.

Run low on cream cheese for your morning bagel?

Well, you get the picture.

It’s the loss of control, of course.  I hate not being in control.  It not only makes me feel powerless, it is creates a powerful sense of victimization.  That’s why, by the way, the most effective form of torture/interrogation isn’t pain and abuse, it is taking away all control.

The sounds, then — the feelings — of that black dog approaching on its hunt…that is the very definition of the loss of control.

When you can hear it coming…

When you hear it coming, sometimes you can head it off.  Sometimes you can write — or hike, or love, or whatever — your way through the initial stages and avoid the worst of it.  Sometimes.

Other times?

Other times you fuck up and try to hide from it.  The worst is when you try to numb it.  The chemicals — the drugs, the booze — they’re all just escape.  They’re nothing more than a way to hide from the braying hound in the numbness they bring.

But that numbness — beyond all the ancillary problems it brings — comes at a cost.  Go out to a bar for a social beer?  Or share whiskey with a handful of locals, all bitching about the unseasonably hot weather and the never-ending tourist parade?

Nope, not now.  Not When you hear the howling.

No, talking to others, especially those not close to you, is the last thing in the world you want.  Others are outside…others are uncomfortable…others are just another thing out of your control.

I’ve been pretty freaking open on this blog about a lot of things.  I’ve been, probably, too open (certainly, my family feels that way).  But never before have I posted words like this.

Oh, I’ve written with the clouds building. I’ve written tens of thousands of words, in fact.  Hell, I’ve written some of my best (fiction) stuff.

Never before, however, have I written about me when I can hear the howls…

The howling draws close…

The howling, it’s right outside the door…

{Musical Note — every single character I create has a theme song. This song, this character, however… Of all the characters I’ve created over the years, this is far and away my favorite…both the character and the song.}

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